A Single Mentor

I had the opportunity to talk with one of the administrative staff members of my alma mater, a few weeks ago. She is in her late forties or early fifties. She is beautiful, fun, intelligent, professional, self-confident, and motivated to continue bettering herself. She is also single.

I remember, in my school days, that we would occasionally have discussions about how and why “Julie” could be single. We recognized all of her positive qualities and were amazed that she hadn’t found someone to share her life with. Now, that I find myself single and see no prospects of that status changing in the near future, I realize that it can “just happen” that way. I don’t think that either Julie or myself possess any certain qualities that make us unmatchable. I think we just haven’t me the right person to match with us or we haven’t met them at the correct time.

After an hour long conversation with Julie, I am left feeling nothing but admiration. She seems to be living her life to the fullest and enjoying it along the way. She has future goals and many meaningful relationships in her life. In short, she is not sitting back and waiting for “life to start” if/when she finds a mate. Knowing her helps me to know that it will be okay if my fortune is to continue being a single chick.

 

The Cost of Finding Love

 

A friend of mine has been strongly encouraging me to join eharmony.com.  I set up a profile on eharmony during a free two week trial period in January of 2006.  Since then, I have used match.com on two separate occasions, but have not returned to eharmony.  I don’t have any particular qualms against eharmony.  Rather, I joined “match” because a friend of mine was using it and had gone a few fun dates. 

Upon the urging of my friend, I went to the eharmony website.  I was not so pleasantly surprised by their membership fees.  One month is $59.95.  If you make a committment for three months, the monthly rate is $36.95 and it is charged to you in a lump sum of $110.85  The monthly rates continue to go down as the length of your committment increases.   

Admittedly, I casually spend more than $100 during a trip to Target without even batting an eyelash.  When I saw the eharmony fees, however, I thought “no way!” and immediately left the site.  Looking at this from a logical perspective, these fees are  not all that outrageous.  Further, one cannot put a pricetag on a loving relationship.  Still, for some reason, my instinct was to flea from the site and the biggest reason was the pricepoint.  If the membership fee was $20 a month, I feel quite confident that I would have joined.

Perhaps if the idea to look into eharmony had been my own, I would have stuck around and at least considered the pros and cons of the one month membership vs. the three months.  As it is, I don’t think that I am all that interested in the online dating, for the moment.  I wouldln’t be a bit suprised to find my opinion changed in a few months.  Perhaps, at that point, I will find the money worth spending. 

Suffocating

Writing yesterday’s post lead me to consider why it is that I so easily feel suffocated in a new relationship.  I came up with a few thoughts:

• I want to be in a relationship with someone that has a life outside of our relationship.  I spend a lot of time with my various groups of friends, enjoy my time at work, have a few hobbies, and am involved in various community groups.  I think that all of these things make me a better person and help me to enjoy my life.  The kind of person that I want to be with would have similar interests and committments. 
• Involvement in all of the things listed above mean that I am a busy person.  While I welcome new people and new committments into my life, I am easily annoyed by someone that I am forced to attend to multiple times a day.
• The longer I am single, the more I get set in my ways.  While this is a scary thought and not something that I am particularly proud of, it becomes hard to let someone new into my life and to have to make the necessary compromises that come along with a relationship.  It can sometimes feel like my life is being taken over by this other person.  I have (perhaps unconsciously at the time) ended dating relationships because I was afraid of the changes that that relationship would require of my lifestyle. 

The next time I start a dating relationship that seems to be going “somewhere,” I need to be proactive and let that person know about my tendency towards being overwhelmed and suffocated in a relationship.  Hopefully, that will lead to a better connection for both of us and will prevent me from ending a relationship solely based on this factor.

A Great Dater

“Bob” took me on a few of the best outings of my dating career.  Although we only spent a few weeks getting to know one another/dating, I learned a lot from him. 

He was in charge of the first date.  It was a blind date, so he had little information to base my likes and dislikes on.  Without this information he could have taken me out for the standard dinner and a movie.  Instead, he asked a few of his girl friends for ideas and ended up taking me to a live production at a local theater followed by drinks at a hole-in-the-wall, kitschy bar.  It was unexpected enough, that I was interested in him on a new level and I found myself excited to go on another date with him so I could see what other ideas he (or his girl friends) might have.   

Bob also seemed to have the timing of things figured out.  He called/emailed/texted/etc. enough to let me know that he was thinking of me, without overwhelming me.  I tend to generally feel either ignored and at the bottom of the other person’s totem pole or suffocated and just wishing that they would leave me alone.  I don’t think there is any magic rule about how much communication should go on between a newly dating couple, but (for me) once a day should be the max and twice a week should be the minimum. 

The most important thing that Bob did was pay attention to what I was saying.  This not only lead to better conversations, but also lead him to take me on dates that were much more fun than expected and that helped us get to know one another in a more personal way.  Through conversation, it came up that I am a painter.  A week or so later, he suggested that we go to the local pottery painting shop to make some art for ourselves.  He knew that my dog was imporant to me and accordingly took time to play with her, when he was at my house.  Neither of these things took much effort, but they helped me to know that he cared about who I was and what was important to me.

Unfortunately, Bob and I were not meant to be.  I am sure that, with all of his great dating ways, he is out there making some other girl very happy.

 

Preconceived Notions

The reactions I receive from someone I have recently met often provide new insights into who I am, who I might be, and/or who I am perceived to be.

I am now at the age where most of my peers are married and many of them have children. The “getting to know each other” phase of meeting someone new often involves them asking me if I am married and/or a mom. The first time this happened, I went into some degree of shock.  I realize that I am more than old enough to be either or both of these things, but they are so far from my reality that I have a hard time imagining that someone else could think them possible.  

Unlike those that presume I am a wife and/or mother, I tend to expect that others are single/childless.  A recent new hire in my department looked to be about my age (she is two years younger than I am).  I asked her if she had kids and fully expected a “no,” so her reply of “yes, three” came as surprise. 

People tend to look at others through the filter of their own circumstances.  I have (somewhat) gotten used to the preconceived perceptions others have of my life.  I am striving to break through the filter and learn about new acquaintances without any expectations. 

Helping a Friend After a Break Up

A friend of mine recently went through a break up. Before calling to check up on her, I went through a mental checklist of things I could offer her. Here’s what I came up with:

The willingness to listen at any time

My loyalty to her side of the break up

The right for her to talk about him/their relationship without any judgment from me

Sharing with her my own break up blues of the past, so she knows that she is not alone

My time, along with a list of non-relationship related activities we can have fun doing together

The knowledge that it is okay to take a long time to be “over” it or to move on

The knowledge that I think she is a fabulous person