So Here I Am

Sometimes I wonder how I got here.  I don’t have amnesia, so I guess that technically I know how I got here.  It’s just that I never imagined myself to be in my late twenties and still be both single and childless. 

I think that the main culprit has been time and how quickly it passes.  Oh, but there are other culprit’s like X, who put a serious kink in my marrying/babying plans when he broke up with me.  Since that break up, I am pretty sure that I have been my own biggest wrongdoer.  I have required so much time to get over X and then I have gotten so used to myself and my alone time that I have a hard time letting new people into my life much further than a date or two.  And, I have continually chosen to spend my time with guys that I know (at least deep down) are wrong for me. 

 So here I am.  Most days I think this is an okay place to be, but it still comes as a bit of a surprise when I think of the life that my little girl self imagined. 

Getting Ahead of Myself

I often find myself overly enthused about the future possibilities of a new romantic relationship.  This often begins with the classic 2^nd grade girl practice of considering his last name and how well it does or does not go with my first name.  It is amazing how quickly my brain goes from first conversation to first date to marriage.  I am at a stage in my life where I’m really not looking to spend any (significant) amount of time with someone that is not marriage material, so this makes some degree of sense.  Still, I wish I could just relax a bit and get to truly know a person before I make decisions about their husband worthiness. 

 

The daydreaming is not all bad.  It is fun to imagine all of the different versions of myself that would be the byproducts of my relationships with the various guys I have dated.  When I see myself as the wife of a well-to-do businessman versus a physician versus a tradesman, I see three different lives ahead of me.  Marrying an only child would be vastly different to marrying the middle child in a family of eight.  Every aspect of your mate’s life and of their personality is going to greatly affect your relationship with that person.  As I continually seek out my Mr. Right, I find myself constantly reinventing and reinterpreting myself and my possible future life with each particular person.

 

I feel quite confident that I am not alone in this practice of getting so far ahead of where my romantic relationships actually exist.  I think this is probably quite “normal” and that it is also a symptom of my age.  I am not sure if it is healthy for my heart or my head, but I see no indication that it will go away anytime soon.  With that, I’ll leave you to daydream of your future life with your own Mr. Y or Z and all the possibilities that lie ahead.   

Lonely?

Appreciating my alone time is one of the things that makes my single life tolerable.  I’ll admit that I occasionally feel like I’ve had enough me time and will actively seek out the company of others to keep me sane.  Still, for the most part, I truly enjoy a life that is ruled and reigned by me.  I love all of the time in which I get to do exactly as I please and all of the time to live contentedly with my own thoughts.

My sister recently told me that our mom was worried about me.  I wondered, “What? Why?”  She thinks I am (or get) lonely.  She and my step-dad recently moved and are now living in the same town as me.  They often invite me over or invite me along if they are going out for dinner.  I like to spend time with them, so I take them up on their offers.  Apparently, my acceptance is what led to her concern about my state of loneliness.   

I feel so loved, knowing that she is concerned about me.  I don’t want her to know that her confidence in my sister was broken, so I haven’t outright addressed the situation.  Instead, I have been making a more conscious effort to tell her of my non-solo activities, so that she knows that I am not just sitting at home with myself day-in and day-out. 

While there is perhaps an hour here or there where I feel the acute need for companionship, I am thankful that I generally enjoy my alone time.  I am also thankful for my many friends and activities that divide that time into smaller chunks.  I hope that I can have a discussion with my mom about all of this soon and that I can assure her that her worry has little foundation.