Pot. Searching for Lid.

A friend that I used to work with would say that there is “a lid for every pot” in reference to the weirdo’s of the world and the amazing fact that they inevitably seemed to find a mate that suited them just perfectly. 

One of my few still-single friends is convinced that somehow we (she and I) got through the coupling loop-hole that we weren’t supposed to squeeze through and now are left with all these weirdos.  And we don’t want to be their lids or pots or however that works.  Okay, so it’s a bit narcissistic to think of ourselves as being normal while putting the rest of them in the unfit to date (let alone marry) category, but we have compared a few stories and it definitely feels like only the socially unfit are left. 

In an effort to be a bit more optimistic, I will just say to the world that this pot is still looking for its lid and that she is hoping he is out there – weirdo or otherwise.

Getting Ahead of Myself

I often find myself overly enthused about the future possibilities of a new romantic relationship.  This often begins with the classic 2^nd grade girl practice of considering his last name and how well it does or does not go with my first name.  It is amazing how quickly my brain goes from first conversation to first date to marriage.  I am at a stage in my life where I’m really not looking to spend any (significant) amount of time with someone that is not marriage material, so this makes some degree of sense.  Still, I wish I could just relax a bit and get to truly know a person before I make decisions about their husband worthiness. 

 

The daydreaming is not all bad.  It is fun to imagine all of the different versions of myself that would be the byproducts of my relationships with the various guys I have dated.  When I see myself as the wife of a well-to-do businessman versus a physician versus a tradesman, I see three different lives ahead of me.  Marrying an only child would be vastly different to marrying the middle child in a family of eight.  Every aspect of your mate’s life and of their personality is going to greatly affect your relationship with that person.  As I continually seek out my Mr. Right, I find myself constantly reinventing and reinterpreting myself and my possible future life with each particular person.

 

I feel quite confident that I am not alone in this practice of getting so far ahead of where my romantic relationships actually exist.  I think this is probably quite “normal” and that it is also a symptom of my age.  I am not sure if it is healthy for my heart or my head, but I see no indication that it will go away anytime soon.  With that, I’ll leave you to daydream of your future life with your own Mr. Y or Z and all the possibilities that lie ahead.   

The Cost of Finding Love

 

A friend of mine has been strongly encouraging me to join eharmony.com.  I set up a profile on eharmony during a free two week trial period in January of 2006.  Since then, I have used match.com on two separate occasions, but have not returned to eharmony.  I don’t have any particular qualms against eharmony.  Rather, I joined “match” because a friend of mine was using it and had gone a few fun dates. 

Upon the urging of my friend, I went to the eharmony website.  I was not so pleasantly surprised by their membership fees.  One month is $59.95.  If you make a committment for three months, the monthly rate is $36.95 and it is charged to you in a lump sum of $110.85  The monthly rates continue to go down as the length of your committment increases.   

Admittedly, I casually spend more than $100 during a trip to Target without even batting an eyelash.  When I saw the eharmony fees, however, I thought “no way!” and immediately left the site.  Looking at this from a logical perspective, these fees are  not all that outrageous.  Further, one cannot put a pricetag on a loving relationship.  Still, for some reason, my instinct was to flea from the site and the biggest reason was the pricepoint.  If the membership fee was $20 a month, I feel quite confident that I would have joined.

Perhaps if the idea to look into eharmony had been my own, I would have stuck around and at least considered the pros and cons of the one month membership vs. the three months.  As it is, I don’t think that I am all that interested in the online dating, for the moment.  I wouldln’t be a bit suprised to find my opinion changed in a few months.  Perhaps, at that point, I will find the money worth spending. 

Suffocating

Writing yesterday’s post lead me to consider why it is that I so easily feel suffocated in a new relationship.  I came up with a few thoughts:

• I want to be in a relationship with someone that has a life outside of our relationship.  I spend a lot of time with my various groups of friends, enjoy my time at work, have a few hobbies, and am involved in various community groups.  I think that all of these things make me a better person and help me to enjoy my life.  The kind of person that I want to be with would have similar interests and committments. 
• Involvement in all of the things listed above mean that I am a busy person.  While I welcome new people and new committments into my life, I am easily annoyed by someone that I am forced to attend to multiple times a day.
• The longer I am single, the more I get set in my ways.  While this is a scary thought and not something that I am particularly proud of, it becomes hard to let someone new into my life and to have to make the necessary compromises that come along with a relationship.  It can sometimes feel like my life is being taken over by this other person.  I have (perhaps unconsciously at the time) ended dating relationships because I was afraid of the changes that that relationship would require of my lifestyle. 

The next time I start a dating relationship that seems to be going “somewhere,” I need to be proactive and let that person know about my tendency towards being overwhelmed and suffocated in a relationship.  Hopefully, that will lead to a better connection for both of us and will prevent me from ending a relationship solely based on this factor.

A Great Dater

“Bob” took me on a few of the best outings of my dating career.  Although we only spent a few weeks getting to know one another/dating, I learned a lot from him. 

He was in charge of the first date.  It was a blind date, so he had little information to base my likes and dislikes on.  Without this information he could have taken me out for the standard dinner and a movie.  Instead, he asked a few of his girl friends for ideas and ended up taking me to a live production at a local theater followed by drinks at a hole-in-the-wall, kitschy bar.  It was unexpected enough, that I was interested in him on a new level and I found myself excited to go on another date with him so I could see what other ideas he (or his girl friends) might have.   

Bob also seemed to have the timing of things figured out.  He called/emailed/texted/etc. enough to let me know that he was thinking of me, without overwhelming me.  I tend to generally feel either ignored and at the bottom of the other person’s totem pole or suffocated and just wishing that they would leave me alone.  I don’t think there is any magic rule about how much communication should go on between a newly dating couple, but (for me) once a day should be the max and twice a week should be the minimum. 

The most important thing that Bob did was pay attention to what I was saying.  This not only lead to better conversations, but also lead him to take me on dates that were much more fun than expected and that helped us get to know one another in a more personal way.  Through conversation, it came up that I am a painter.  A week or so later, he suggested that we go to the local pottery painting shop to make some art for ourselves.  He knew that my dog was imporant to me and accordingly took time to play with her, when he was at my house.  Neither of these things took much effort, but they helped me to know that he cared about who I was and what was important to me.

Unfortunately, Bob and I were not meant to be.  I am sure that, with all of his great dating ways, he is out there making some other girl very happy.

 

Blind Dating

 

I have been on seven blind dates in the past four years. This is not including group outings where a friend brought along a friend for me to meet, but rather true dates with people that I was meeting for the very first time. Two of these were the fruition of match.com chatting and the other five were set up via friends.

None of these relationships have gone beyond two dates. None of these dates have been particularly fun. I am still hoping, however, that Mr. Right will make his way into my life, so I am reluctant to turn down an opportunity to meet someone new. There is always the chance that today’s blind date could be tomorrow’s boyfriend.  All of the men that I have gone on blind dates have seemed relatively normal. Many of them have fit the standard “wants” that are on my list.  I don’t think that I can fault my own judgment or that of my friends’ for these dates not turning into relationships.  Rather, I think it can be blamed on the general premise of a blind date and the pressure that comes along with it.

 

Blind dates should really just be called “Hang Out Time with a Stranger”. There is (for me) none of the excited anticipation that comes along with a “sighted” first date.  I lack the initial “like” of the person and that is what leads to all the wonderful tummy butterflies before a date.  With a sighted date, you have so many hopes set on a particular person.  With the exception of a few emails or phone conversations, I have nothing on which to base my perception of this person.  There is too much pressure to go from stranger to significant other.