That Question

I must vent about one of my mom’s most annoying wanting-me-to-be-attached habits.  I’ll call it “That Question.” 

That Question goes like this, “Were there any cute, single guys there?”  Or the more passive, “So, there weren’t any cute, single guys there?”

She asks me That Question after any and every event that I attend: my friends’ sons’ birthday party, a night out at the bar, my class reunion, an evening of sand volleyball, a vacation, a trip to the dog park, anywhere and everywhere I go. 

Aaaaaahhh!  I AM NOT LIVING MY LIFE WITH THE SOLE INTENT OF FINDING “A CUTE, SINGLE GUY.”  I am living my life with the sole intent of enjoying myself.  If I find “a cute, single guy,” great, if not, that’s okay too.  When I tell her that there weren’t any of these (seemingly abundant in her eyes) cute, single guys, she always seems so genuinely disappointed. 

I realize that she just wants me to find someone to love and someone to love me, but she seriously needs to stop asking That Question.

Lonely?

Appreciating my alone time is one of the things that makes my single life tolerable.  I’ll admit that I occasionally feel like I’ve had enough me time and will actively seek out the company of others to keep me sane.  Still, for the most part, I truly enjoy a life that is ruled and reigned by me.  I love all of the time in which I get to do exactly as I please and all of the time to live contentedly with my own thoughts.

My sister recently told me that our mom was worried about me.  I wondered, “What? Why?”  She thinks I am (or get) lonely.  She and my step-dad recently moved and are now living in the same town as me.  They often invite me over or invite me along if they are going out for dinner.  I like to spend time with them, so I take them up on their offers.  Apparently, my acceptance is what led to her concern about my state of loneliness.   

I feel so loved, knowing that she is concerned about me.  I don’t want her to know that her confidence in my sister was broken, so I haven’t outright addressed the situation.  Instead, I have been making a more conscious effort to tell her of my non-solo activities, so that she knows that I am not just sitting at home with myself day-in and day-out. 

While there is perhaps an hour here or there where I feel the acute need for companionship, I am thankful that I generally enjoy my alone time.  I am also thankful for my many friends and activities that divide that time into smaller chunks.  I hope that I can have a discussion with my mom about all of this soon and that I can assure her that her worry has little foundation.

Preconceived Notions

The reactions I receive from someone I have recently met often provide new insights into who I am, who I might be, and/or who I am perceived to be.

I am now at the age where most of my peers are married and many of them have children. The “getting to know each other” phase of meeting someone new often involves them asking me if I am married and/or a mom. The first time this happened, I went into some degree of shock.  I realize that I am more than old enough to be either or both of these things, but they are so far from my reality that I have a hard time imagining that someone else could think them possible.  

Unlike those that presume I am a wife and/or mother, I tend to expect that others are single/childless.  A recent new hire in my department looked to be about my age (she is two years younger than I am).  I asked her if she had kids and fully expected a “no,” so her reply of “yes, three” came as surprise. 

People tend to look at others through the filter of their own circumstances.  I have (somewhat) gotten used to the preconceived perceptions others have of my life.  I am striving to break through the filter and learn about new acquaintances without any expectations. 

What About the Single People?

The letter to notify my high school class of our upcoming reunion stated:

 ”Come and relax with your spouse, significant other, and/or family.”

I read this, kept reading, learned about all the planned events and was excited for the chance to reunite with classmates that I have not kept in contact with over the past few years.

 

A few weeks after the arrival of the letter (still a few months before the reunion), I spent time with the small group of high school friends that I continue to keep in touch with.  One friend made it quite clear that she didn’t want to attend any of the events, but felt some sense of obligation.  Her compromise would be to attend the Friday night get together, but not the rest of the weekend’s activities.

 

I probed her for the reason that she didn’t want to attend.  I thought that her reply would revolve around the need to lose weight, lack of a high profile job, or perhaps the fact that she is single and didn’t want to arrive at the event alone.  While these things may have been somewhere in the back of her mind, the issue that she got fired up about was the opening to the reunion information letter.   

She quoted it word for word and said that if they were trying to include everyone, they had missed her.  I was taken aback.  I had read those same words and not even noticed them, moving quickly on to the details of what, when, and where.  Another friend chided her for reading too much into the wording of the letter.  She admitted that this may be the case, but that she was upset about it nonetheless. 

Perhaps I should be similarly upset, but I’m not.  I am looking forward the reunion, despite the fact that I am going alone and despite the fact that they seemed to have forgotten me. 

 

What Are You?

I befriended an 8 year old girl, a few years ago, and she wanted to know “what I was.” I told her I was a daughter, sister, friend, employee, co-worker, homeowner, artist, writer, daydreamer and many other things.

The titles I gave myself didn’t mesh with the workings of her brain. I am clearly not a kid and yet I have no children and no husband, so I am not a mom or a wife. Those were the only roles she had in mind. Occasionally, she would ask me something about “my daughter” and confusedly, I would wonder “Who?” She was referring to my sister. Her brain just could not grasp the fact that an adult could exist without a spouse and/or children.

After 8 years of life, it was clear that she had been exposed to very few single, childless adults. I hope that my relationship with her has made, and will continue to make, her aware of all the roles a person can play and that she has the potential to grow up to be many different things…including a mother and wife, if fate should have it so.

 

 

Why Don’t You Have a Boyfriend?/I Think You’re Fabulous

On numerous occasions, this question has been posed to me.

Do these people think I know the answer to this question? Perhaps they might consider that, if I knew the answer, I could/would “fix the problem” and have the boyfriend.

With what intent is this question asked? It’s not exactly a rhetorical question and yet, it seems unlikely for them to expect me to actually have an answer. Perhaps it is some sort of ill stated flattery; their opinion of me is great enough that they would expect some unidentified man to see the oh-so-fabulous me and to become my boyfriend. If this is the case, I suggest that they might just outright tell me how fabulous I am. It’s not as if I have not had men who thought me wonderful. This, however, does not mean that such opinions are always mutual/will automatically lead to a relationship of any kind.

Honestly, asking me why I don’t have a boyfriend feels like an attack on me and my life. It makes me think that you (the person asking) don’t feel that my life – - in its current, boyfriendless status, is equal to the life that I would be living if I was part of a couple.

I beg of you, simply tell your single friends (or tell yourself!) that they are fabulous.