Single friends

• can go back and forth with me on the woes of today’s dating world
• don’t have to check with their significant other’s schedule before saying “yes” to my invitations
• make great dates to weddings and other social events that I don’t want to go to alone
• are often looking for a travel buddy and so am I
• can empathise with me when my mom makes all those anxious “i want a grand-baby” hints
• are more likely to set me up on an “acceptable” blind date than my coupled friends

I am so thankful for all the similarly single people in my life.  They are an invaluable support system and a fabulous source of fun!

Ann and I have many differences.  She is a workaholic and takes her job very seriously, while I view my employment simply as a means to paying my bills and paying for vacations.  She is quite conservative, while I tend toward the left.  She rarely goes on a date and I seem to go on way too many.  She is go-go-go and I like my couch time.  And it goes on and on.  Our friendship seems a bit unlikely and, in fact, is not that deep.  We rarely have discussions that delve much beyond the scope of our immediate surroundings. 

So what, you may be wondering, is so great about this relationship?  Well, the great thing about Ann is that she is always up for hanging out.  She does not have to consult with a mate, to see if she is/will be free.  She doesn’t complain that she shouldn’t be spending money on this or that.  If I feel like going out for lunch, going to a movie, out for drinks, or even for a weekend trip, I can call Ann and she is always up for some fun.  Basically, we act as each other’s dates at times when it is so much easier to call up a known friend than to seek out a “real” date with a member of the opposite sex. 

Thank you Ann for being my go-to friend!

1. Don’t go to the Liquor Store for Milk: You will not get milk where it is not sold. So to avoid disappointment, don’t expect responses from people that they may not be emotionally, psychologically or mentally equipped to give you.

2. If there is Clutter, Clean it out: For a positive attitude you need to eliminate the negative habits, people and influences from your life.

3. Pretty People Can Be Lonely Too: Don’t make assumptions about who people are, what they want or how they live their lives.

4. Remember that Love does not Discriminate: So be gentle with yourself and less critical of your beauty, brains and body.

5. Love Knocks, but Not When you’re Sitting At Home: New opportunities and people cannot find you if you are tucked away indoors on your couch.

6. Handbags Do Not Just Come in Designer Labels: From backpacks to Birkins, we all carry around lots of “stuff.” Since you can never tell what’s inside each person’s tote from day-to-day, try to take things less personally.

7. If it’s too Tough, Chances are it’s not Healthy: Relationships should complete, not deplete you.

8. Taking is one of life’s greatest achievements: There is no shame in accepting help or admitting you need it.

9. Fight fears by facing them: There is something simply delicious about finding out what frightens you the most, and then conquering it on your own.

10. No may mean yes in sales but not when it comes to your love life: If it is too hard, it is not right.

11. Status is a symbol, happiness a state of being: There are plenty of miserable married people.

11. Letting go can be liberating: Always trust your gut — it will let you know if and when you are holding on to false hope.

12. It Only Takes One: A home cooked meal to nurture the soul, a new friend to change your life, a long bike ride to improve your mood…

And what, you may be asking yourself, does this have to do with single life?  Here are a few lines from the song “It Sucks to Be Me”

Kate Monster: I’m kind of pretty, and pretty damned smart.

Brian:You are

Kate Monster:THANKS! I like romantic things like music and art, and as you know I have a gigantic heart! So why don’t I have a boyfriend? F*#@! It sucks to be me!

 Ahhh.  Doesn’t that just say it beautifully?

That Question goes like this, “Were there any cute, single guys there?”  Or the more passive, “So, there weren’t any cute, single guys there?”

She asks me That Question after any and every event that I attend: my friends’ sons’ birthday party, a night out at the bar, my class reunion, an evening of sand volleyball, a vacation, a trip to the dog park, anywhere and everywhere I go. 

Aaaaaahhh!  I AM NOT LIVING MY LIFE WITH THE SOLE INTENT OF FINDING “A CUTE, SINGLE GUY.”  I am living my life with the sole intent of enjoying myself.  If I find “a cute, single guy,” great, if not, that’s okay too.  When I tell her that there weren’t any of these (seemingly abundant in her eyes) cute, single guys, she always seems so genuinely disappointed. 

I realize that she just wants me to find someone to love and someone to love me, but she seriously needs to stop asking That Question.

One of my few still-single friends is convinced that somehow we (she and I) got through the coupling loop-hole that we weren’t supposed to squeeze through and now are left with all these weirdos.  And we don’t want to be their lids or pots or however that works.  Okay, so it’s a bit narcissistic to think of ourselves as being normal while putting the rest of them in the unfit to date (let alone marry) category, but we have compared a few stories and it definitely feels like only the socially unfit are left. 

In an effort to be a bit more optimistic, I will just say to the world that this pot is still looking for its lid and that she is hoping he is out there – weirdo or otherwise.

I think that the main culprit has been time and how quickly it passes.  Oh, but there are other culprit’s like X, who put a serious kink in my marrying/babying plans when he broke up with me.  Since that break up, I am pretty sure that I have been my own biggest wrongdoer.  I have required so much time to get over X and then I have gotten so used to myself and my alone time that I have a hard time letting new people into my life much further than a date or two.  And, I have continually chosen to spend my time with guys that I know (at least deep down) are wrong for me. 

 So here I am.  Most days I think this is an okay place to be, but it still comes as a bit of a surprise when I think of the life that my little girl self imagined. 

The daydreaming is not all bad.  It is fun to imagine all of the different versions of myself that would be the byproducts of my relationships with the various guys I have dated.  When I see myself as the wife of a well-to-do businessman versus a physician versus a tradesman, I see three different lives ahead of me.  Marrying an only child would be vastly different to marrying the middle child in a family of eight.  Every aspect of your mate’s life and of their personality is going to greatly affect your relationship with that person.  As I continually seek out my Mr. Right, I find myself constantly reinventing and reinterpreting myself and my possible future life with each particular person.

I feel quite confident that I am not alone in this practice of getting so far ahead of where my romantic relationships actually exist.  I think this is probably quite “normal” and that it is also a symptom of my age.  I am not sure if it is healthy for my heart or my head, but I see no indication that it will go away anytime soon.  With that, I’ll leave you to daydream of your future life with your own Mr. Y or Z and all the possibilities that lie ahead.   

My sister recently told me that our mom was worried about me.  I wondered, “What? Why?”  She thinks I am (or get) lonely.  She and my step-dad recently moved and are now living in the same town as me.  They often invite me over or invite me along if they are going out for dinner.  I like to spend time with them, so I take them up on their offers.  Apparently, my acceptance is what led to her concern about my state of loneliness.   

I feel so loved, knowing that she is concerned about me.  I don’t want her to know that her confidence in my sister was broken, so I haven’t outright addressed the situation.  Instead, I have been making a more conscious effort to tell her of my non-solo activities, so that she knows that I am not just sitting at home with myself day-in and day-out. 

While there is perhaps an hour here or there where I feel the acute need for companionship, I am thankful that I generally enjoy my alone time.  I am also thankful for my many friends and activities that divide that time into smaller chunks.  I hope that I can have a discussion with my mom about all of this soon and that I can assure her that her worry has little foundation.